Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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