They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just pee around me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
