The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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