WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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