Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
