I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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