I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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