I'm jealous of your bromance
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
