He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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