My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
