genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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