Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
