so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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