Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
