Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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