so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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