We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
