I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
