On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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