fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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