If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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