Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
