you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
