based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
