I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You pole danced in your parka.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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