I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
