"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
