I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
