Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
