Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
