We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
