You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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