drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
