Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
