Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
