Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
