It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
