Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
