they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Never joke about your clitoris.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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