Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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