I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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