I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
