Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
