Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
