Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
