It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize