Well douche your snatch and let's go!
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
