Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
