I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
...so i touched it.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
