I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
