i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
