I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
