I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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