Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
