Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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