Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
People in love make me want to vomit
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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