The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize