and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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