His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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