So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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