I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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