I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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