I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it's not cheating when I paid for it
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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