You're earring is so big in my mouth
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Randomize
