Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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