If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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