Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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