My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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