Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
