I puked a lego.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
